Whenever you give your email address out, it often gets bought by spamming organizations. I am inundated with well over a hundred emails daily. It is annoying to have to delete them all the time.

I get a lot of emails to refinance my mortgage at a lower interest rate. For me to refinance my mortgage, the new rate would have to be 3.5% to make it worth my time and money. I have actually returned a request stating that and to remove me from their list. That act of impulsiveness merely caused a spike of additional spam emails from finance companies-they now had a confirmed email address.

Other spamming emails tout that for a price they can find anybody for me. Well, I know were my kids are most of the time, and my wife comes home after work everyday. I don't need to know much more. As for former classmates, if I didn't have their addresses during the past forty years and survived, it is doubtful that my life will suffer much if I don't have them over the next forty years.

The world is a crazy place when I receive spam selling anti-spam software. If everyone would just quit sending me spam, all my problems would be solved without the software. Don't they know that I am so annoyed with the email that I would never buy anything from them?

I get requests daily from some friendly emailer that he wants to talk with me assisting them with getting millions of dollars out of Nigeria. If I could lend them $10,000, then I would get millions in the mail with their gratitude. Before the Americans military whacked Saddam's two sons, I had started to receive emails about their fortunes being tied up and whether I would help. I should have responded, but now that they are dead, I have lost my chance at worth. It always seems like I am a day late and a dollar short.

I also get a handful of porn sites soliciting their wares or inquiring whether I want to start my own business by hosting porn site. Getting into the Internet porn business would look great on my resume along with college professor, although Carnal Campbell would be a great ISP address.

In that vein, most of my spamming emails deal with Viagra or penile enlargement with the promise of an additional three inches or more and the long term endurance to use it. Now, this is the one that really honks me off. These emails contain the subject line indicating that someone has complained about my performance. I confronted my wife about whether she had any complaints or criticisms. She has assured me that all is great. I want to believe her but the level of spam indicates that something isn't right.

However, several weeks ago, I started to get ads about waxing my unwanted hair. Now, what makes someone think that I want to remove any hair from my body? If the truth be known, I am desperately attempting to keep all the hair that I have, especially the hair on my head. Having divulged that personal fact, I fear that I'll be beset by emails ranging from transplants to comb over techniques. I can't win.

However, the proverbial substance hitting the fan of incredulity occurred when I came across an offer to double my cup size with the purchase of this product. I took off my shirt and examined my breasts. After taking an honest inventory of them, I want the entire world to know that I am not sensitive about my cup size. It is fine just the way it is. However, there was still a nagging question lurking in my mind. Perhaps my wife secretly wished that my breasts would become voluptuously firm and oversized. I confronted her about this enlargement offer. She said emphatically that size didn't matter. Reassured that I could continue to satisfy her without enlarging my breasts, I deleted the ad.

I then thought that I should do something about spamming. I went to www.google.com and searched for anti-spamming software. I tested several programs, but to my chagrin, I found that the software was quarantining valid emails from friends and colleagues. After realizing this, I deleted the programs like I have deleted the spam. I don't know what to do now, but I do know that spamming has gone too far.

This article appeared in the Dixon Telegraph on 8/27/03.