Papa Al,

"The meaning of my being". It is something I have always wondered about but never once get an answer. Google said the definition of life is "the condition that distinguishes animals and plants from inorganic matter, including the capacity for growth, reproduction, functional activity, and continual change preceding death." In the dark of sleepless nights, I gazed the starts and wondered what exactly is the meaning of my life. I am not a main character in movies, I don't have a plot or script to follow through, and I don't have the ability to control what is happening around me or my future. Sometimes, I think of what will happen after my death. Without a doubt, everything will continue to flow the way it is, people will wake up and go to bed, prepare for the next day, and nothing will go wrong without me. I am not as important as I thought it would be. And I hate the idea of it. Even if I am going to leave the world one day, I want to make a difference for my family, for my friends, for my country and for the world. After thousands of years past, people will be talking about my contribution to the world. They will remember me as we remember Newton these days. That was a desire I had and that flame is still burning inside my heart.

Going back to a decade ago, before I met Papa Al, it was a sunny morning and our English teacher told us to write na essay on "My ambition". That day I wrote "I wanna be a President when I grow up". The next day, teacher called out my name and read out my essay title followed by a laughter of my classmates. They said, how can a normal person, moreover, a girl can achieve such a thing. I replied with a smile. A few weeks past and I was playing around with some paper and writing down a few thoughts, I heard a honk. After that I saw my mom. I was surprised because it was too early for her to be back home. I was more surprised for what happened later. A foreigner comes out of the car and another one. The excitement filled up my stomach and I jumped out. "Hi! I'm Ti Ti. Do you wanna play some games with me?" This is us playing Scrabble.

Papa Al and I played some games and after a few moments, my mom said "It's time to go". Just before they leave, Papa Al pointed his finger to me and said "Don't you forget that young lady. You've beat me in my game, in my language in your country". Papa Al is the one that add fuel to my flames that is about to run out. And I will continue to burn more and achieve my dreams. I will help my country to become a better place, I want more children to be educated. I want to ignite the flame of other people and let them shine too.

It was when we're learning about fossil fuels, and how once living things become fuels after million of years, it was at that moment that I felt my life have no meaning. One day, I'll die and people will bury me. Millions of years later, I'll just become a fossil or some stones. At the very least, I don't want my dead body to go to waste. I don't want it to just decay and become nothing. A few months later, I found a solution for it. What if I give away my organs to some patient? That might sound crazy but I might don't need these organs to function when I'm dead anyway. But there are people out there who can still contribute to the society but can't because they are bedridden in hospital's bed. I would give away my organs gladly if they can promise me that they can continue to carry out the things I can't do anymore. I don't yearn for grand rituals or tomb after my death. I don't know about it anyway so, I'd rather it goes to someone in need.

People say that "Don't say I wanna die. Live your life without giving up" such things are the right ways to live. Actually, I don't care even if I'm going to die anytime but if someone I love dies, I will feel miserable. To be honest, we don't actually care if others live or die. Somebody must just died while you're reading this. But somebody must be laughing or singing happy songs at the same time. We all also have someone we hate. We fight, yell and scream at each other. But it is also us that said "Let's all live together in peace." "I want people to be more kind with each other". And to other people, people who said like that are wonderful people, aren't they? In the end, a child will become a grown up one day. And before he knew it, he's already an old man and after that he'll wither like a dry leave. So, sometimes I tend to live in my own fantasy that I'll gain an immortal body and will live forever. I hate being sad so I try to live happily. But turns out that I hate being happy alone more than being sad. What is the point of living if there is no one I love around me. I can't say I care for everyone. Whether it's winter or summer, day or night, there is always someone dying at some place of the earth. And we don't even care for that. Sometimes dreams, love and tomorrows are just an illusion. I can die today. I can't say for sure that I'll be alive tomorrow. My dreams can be crashed in just a few seconds. I could lost the one I love in the blink of an eye. This is how this world is. But even if we can't find the purpose of our life, we breath and live in vain. You and I, we're going to wither like a leave one day. Even if there is a purpose or not, let's live and embrace our lives fully.

I don't know if an afterlife exist or not so, I can't talk about it. If it do exist, I'll figure out what I want to do with that life in that life. I won't know what situations or what kinds of people I will meet in that life. So, I'd rather focus on this present life for now.

Time will keep flowing. People will born and die. Flowers will bloom and wither. And no one knows the meaning of life. Science can't discover it. Religions can't explain it. And I, myself don't know it either. And not a single human being really understand it. So, instead of trying to understand it's meaning, why don't I just live it. Sometimes, people would say "My life have no meaning" "There is no meaning for me to live". It's okay to not have any meaning. Life is not a definition. Life is not a movie. There is no happy ending. The real ending of our will be our death. And when we look back at life, we may or may not have achieved something great. But it's okay as long as we are doing what we want and we are with the ones we love. Sometimes I feel like I want to end everything but there can be more exciting scenes awaiting in the future. So, I just take a break and start running again.

I am not a main character in some movies. I am not a hero in history books. And I don't know exactly why am I alive and living this live. But one thing for sure is that I want to see this world in beautiful colors. And for the rest, I will stick around and find out.

Ti Ti

This was the final for the world religions class that I took last semester. Papa Al calls it open-ended. Papa Al told the class to think about how we fit into our universe. We were to look at the Cosmic Calendar. Our final was to be a 1500-word essay entitled: The Meaning of My Being.

This was what I wrote.

Papa Al,

"The meaning of my being". It is something I have always wondered about but never once get an answer. Google said the definition of life is "the condition that distinguishes animals and plants from inorganic matter, including the capacity for growth, reproduction, functional activity, and continual change preceding death." In the dark of sleepless nights, I gazed the starts and wondered what exactly is the meaning of my life. I am not a main character in movies, I don't have a plot or script to follow through, and I don't have the ability to control what is happening around me or my future. Sometimes, I think of what will happen after my death. Without a doubt, everything will continue to flow the way it is, people will wake up and go to bed, prepare for the next day, and nothing will go wrong without me. I am not as important as I thought it would be. And I hate the idea of it. Even if I am going to leave the world one day, I want to make a difference for my family, for my friends, for my country and for the world. After thousands of years past, people will be talking about my contribution to the world. They will remember me as we remember Newton these days. That was a desire I had and that flame is still burning inside my heart.

Going back to a decade ago, before I met Papa Al, it was a sunny morning and our English teacher told us to write na essay on "My ambition". That day I wrote "I wanna be a President when I grow up". The next day, teacher called out my name and read out my essay title followed by a laughter of my classmates. They said, how can a normal person, moreover, a girl can achieve such a thing. I replied with a smile. A few weeks past and I was playing around with some paper and writing down a few thoughts, I heard a honk. After that I saw my mom. I was surprised because it was too early for her to be back home. I was more surprised for what happened later. A foreigner comes out of the car and another one. The excitement filled up my stomach and I jumped out. "Hi! I'm Ti Ti. Do you wanna play some games with me?"

Papa Al and I played some games and after a few moments, my mom said "It's time to go". Just before they leave, Papa Al pointed his finger to me and said "Don't you forget that young lady. You've beat me in my game, in my language in your country". Papa Al is the one that add fuel to my flames that is about to run out. And I will continue to burn more and achieve my dreams. I will help my country to become a better place, I want more children to be educated. I want to ignite the flame of other people and let them shine too.

It was when we're learning about fossil fuels, and how once living things become fuels after million of years, it was at that moment that I felt my life have no meaning. One day, I'll die and people will bury me. Millions of years later, I'll just become a fossil or some stones. At the very least, I don't want my dead body to go to waste. I don't want it to just decay and become nothing. A few months later, I found a solution for it. What if I give away my organs to some patient? That might sound crazy but I might don't need these organs to function when I'm dead anyway. But there are people out there who can still contribute to the society but can't because they are bedridden in hospital's bed. I would give away my organs gladly if they can promise me that they can continue to carry out the things I can't do anymore. I don't yearn for grand rituals or tomb after my death. I don't know about it anyway so, I'd rather it goes to someone in need.

People say that "Don't say I wanna die. Live your life without giving up" such things are the right ways to live. Actually, I don't care even if I'm going to die anytime but if someone I love dies, I will feel miserable. To be honest, we don't actually care if others live or die. Somebody must just died while you're reading this. But somebody must be laughing or singing happy songs at the same time. We all also have someone we hate. We fight, yell and scream at each other. But it is also us that said "Let's all live together in peace." "I want people to be more kind with each other". And to other people, people who said like that are wonderful people, aren't they? In the end, a child will become a grown up one day. And before he knew it, he's already an old man and after that he'll wither like a dry leave. So, sometimes I tend to live in my own fantasy that I'll gain an immortal body and will live forever. I hate being sad so I try to live happily. But turns out that I hate being happy alone more than being sad. What is the point of living if there is no one I love around me. I can't say I care for everyone. Whether it's winter or summer, day or night, there is always someone dying at some place of the earth. And we don't even care for that. Sometimes dreams, love and tomorrows are just an illusion. I can die today. I can't say for sure that I'll be alive tomorrow. My dreams can be crashed in just a few seconds. I could lost the one I love in the blink of an eye. This is how this world is. But even if we can't find the purpose of our life, we breath and live in vain. You and I, we're going to wither like a leave one day. Even if there is a purpose or not, let's live and embrace our lives fully.

Time will keep flowing. People will born and die. Flowers will bloom and wither. And no one knows the meaning of life. Science can't discover it. Religions can't explain it. And I, myself don't know it either. And not a single human being really understand it. So, instead of trying to understand it's meaning, why don't I just live it. Sometimes, people would say "My life have no meaning" "There is no meaning for me to live". It's okay to not have any meaning. Life is not a definition. Life is not a movie. There is no happy ending. The real ending of our will be our death. And when we look back at life, we may or may not have achieved something great. But it's okay as long as we are doing what we want and we are with the ones we love. Sometimes I feel like I want to end everything but there can be more exciting scenes awaiting in the future. So, I just take a break and start running again.

I am not a main character in some movies. I am not a hero in history books. And I don't know exactly why am I alive and living this live. But one thing for sure is that I want to see this world in beautiful colors. And for the rest, I will stick around and find out.

Ti Ti