Something has to be done with California before it is too late for the Golden State and for the rest of the country. It is often said that if you want to see America's future, look at what is presently happening in California. If that axiom is true, all Americans ought to be greatly concerned about the carnival of candidates and confusion swirling around the recall of Gray Davis. Before it's too late, we need to act. I have jotted down several action steps to avoid the rest of the states becoming like California.
First action step: recall Gray Davis. It is abundantly clear even to Midwesterners that Davis is not disliked as governor. He seems like a nice guy, but a lot of people are clamoring for his recall. He doesn't have any more of a chance of winning the race to avoid a recall than an asthmatic does of breathing clean air in LA. Davis needs to take Dr. Seuss' admonition to Marvin K. Mooney: "The time has come. The time is now. Just go. Go. GO! I don't care how."
However, what concerns me about the hoopla about the recall is that Davis could garner 49% of the vote on the recall question and lose to one of the 130+ other candidates that managed to get a plurality. It is possible for one of the wannabe-governors to get less than 25% and become governor. That's not democracy.
Imagine Governor Gary Coleman standing up to big business. I can see it now; when Governor Coleman is talking with utility companies about fare increases, he'll shoot back to one of the electrical fat-cats, "Wha-chu talkin' 'bout ?"
While listening to NPR the other day, someone interviewed a California lawyer who was planning to vote for Larry Flynt, because he would make a great governor. I don't know whether a porn magazine is a great place to learn gubernatorial greatness. Nevertheless, that legal eagle thinks so. Flynt's campaign slogan is "a smut-peddler who cares." Can you imagine what the Bible-Belt preachers will say if Flynt becomes governor? "We have sex, smut, and silicon in Sacramento! Prepare for the end of the world. Repent and be saved before it is too late!"
In the porn vein, two busty candidates also want to governor. Mary Carey is a 5' 9" blonde with hazel eyes. Her other qualifications are 36-26-36. Her solution to the state's fiscal problems is to tax breast implants. Scoff not; she might be on to a major untouched revenue source. However, I'm not ready for journalists' double entendres like "Governor Carey is nursing the economy along" or "The governor is involved in dirty politics".
If an older porn star is more to your liking, Angelyne, the Ambassador of Hollywood, is your answer. She is running as the Pink Party candidate. Her slogan is "Think rational." Caution: simply saying that doesn't make it happen.
Then there is the anti-SUV candidate, Arianna Huffington. In her heavy Greek accent, she declares that she is the "unconventional candidate for unconventional times." Well, that isn't saying much-nearly the entire bunch of candidates can make that claim. Every time I hear Arianna speak, I hear Zsa Zsa Gabor. I have images of Governor Arianna saying, "Daaling..." to everyone.
Speaking of heavily accented candidates, one of the candidates to beat is Arnold Schwarzenegger. If Adrianna's accent transports me to other personalities, Arnold's Austrian-Deutsch drudges up some Neanderthal version of LBJ in loincloth carrying some protesting legislators back to the cave to have a chat about taxes or budget cuts.
Now, there are less known candidates that might do a decent job with administering the state's business and who would not conger up some of the mental scenarios that I have just listed. However, they don't have a chance of being elected. Nonetheless, the prospect of any of the above mentioned possibilities getting elected just can't be tolerated. America needs to do something before California messes it up further.
Therefore, the second action step: America needs to act to save California and the rest of us from going down that same road in the not too distant future. Once Gray Davis and Marvin K. Mooney have gone, the US military need to invade California and set up military government. It would be like the one we had in Afghanistan and now have in Iraq. After we establish a greater sense of stability, we would be able to turn the day-to-day control to an interim state government. I'd suggest putting Paul Wolfowitz, the Deputy Secretary of Defense, in charge of the transitional interim government since there are so many US military bases and too many WMD (weapons of mass destruction) out there.
It may seem somewhat extreme to invade and takeover California, but the situation has gotten totally out of hand. In addition, it fits nicely into the Bush doctrine of preemptive intervention. We have to strike first if we think that they could cause us harm-and California could surely do that. Can you imagine the cascading chaos of Florida and California sweeping through the rest of the normal states?
This is the time for a real total recall.
This article appeared in the Dixon Telegraph on 9/16/03.